April 12, 2011

"I'll be right here waiting for something more"

I should know better by now than to post some kind of deep entry at 2:30 in the morning; that's how I end up saying more than I ever meant to say in a public place, but I'll say it anyway. After all, my intention with this blog has always been to document the phenomenon of becoming a Hanson fan--how it started, where it has taken me, and all of the little changes along the way. I suppose this is part of the process for me, and you're in no way obligated to read this late night rambling.

I love Hanson...that much goes without saying and is hardly necessary for me to reiterate at this point. I respect them and their seemingly infinite talents--those voices, all of the instruments in their small collective arsenal (seriously, is there anything they don't play?), their ability to compose a song and write good lyrics, etc. And yet somehow, I still feel silly being able to be boiled down to a few lyrics in a Hanson song. As much love and respect as I have for these guys and their talents, I hate that a single Hanson song can sum me up in a good bridge and a verse or two, and yet they've done it again.

Up until a few months ago, I had never felt that feeling before. I had read countless fan testimonies about how Hanson songs brought people through periods of depression, got them through everything from simple angsty teenage years to the death of a loved one. I've read about these experiences, and yet every time I read them, I always acknowledged in the back of my mind that I had never felt that way before. Yeah, I could connect on the surface level; I "got" the lyrics and the meaning, but the connection always ended there.

And then I went through a time where I had to make a tough decision about what direction my life should take. I got myself into a career that instantly felt wrong, and for the first time in my life, I wasn't sure about everything (no, this is not the point where I tell you I felt a deep connection to "Sure About It"). One night, I was trying to get through my work without giving myself enough time to stop and think about how miserable I was. I liked Hanson music, right? It made me happy. So I turned on my iTunes in the background as I worked and tried to block out all of the things building up inside of me. And then "Breaktown" came on and it was all over. That numb wall I had built? Gone. Every single lyric in the song seemed to fit my situation perfectly. Next came "Strong Enough to Break", and then "These Walls". So I sat there sobbing and feeling sheepish that a few Hanson songs I had already heard a hundred times each were somehow capable of turning me into a blubbery mess when I had done such a good job of locking out all of those feelings that Taylor was crooning back at me. I can't say the music "got me through" that hard time; in fact, I'm not sure it did anything at all other than depress me more and make me face the feelings I was trying to ignore. But for the first time, I felt something stronger than an aesthetic appreciation for the music. I didn't just "get" the lyrics; they "got" me.

Within days, I had my own strong enough to break moment. I won't credit Hanson for the decision, but that choice is a necessary part of this story.

Fast forward to now. I know I made the right decision; that career path wasn't the one for me. But now what? I have faith that everything will work out. I know I can't see the map that I'm following, but I trust that I am in fact headed somewhere worth going, even if I can't see the big picture yet. I can rest assured that the choices I've made so far are the right ones, but what comes next? I have no idea. And as I'm voicing all of this to my friends and one makes an analogy about looking into the future being like looking around a corner--something good is coming, we just can't see it yet--Blue Sky inexplicably enters my mind, and I'm having one of those moments again. It's not life-altering and I hardly expect Blue Sky to somehow solve all of my doubts and worries, but once again I feel like dear Taylor and Isaac are narrating my life with the help of a choir of African school children. I probably shouldn't be surprised since this isn't the first time now, but it's a little unsettling to have a song I never really thought twice about before suddenly sneak up and know what I'm feeling better than I know it myself. Now if only the next song I connect with could be a little more upbeat and happy. If anyone's taking requests, I could settle for "Give a Little" or "Musical Ride," please and thanks :)


Caitlin said...

This is a great entry!

The moment you find the song that 'gets' you definitely can't be forced. I remember the day The Walk hit me in my core, driving home from the last day of the first job I ever had, at the beginning of me trying to find a real full-time job.

And funny enough a few years later, I first listened to These Walls at work, and those lyrics seemed to perfectly fit how I felt about my office.

Good luck figuring out your next steps! I'll leave you with the message on the bracelet I got a few days ago..."Trust your journey." :)

Carebear said...

holly , I feel that Hanson gives me the strength to know that business was the right career pAth for me . Taylor has always inspired me and has sent me the words to reassure me everything will be all right . this is why I Love the song "Carry you there " not only because it has my name in it, but It says what Taylor has been for me the last 14 years .. the strong thing that holds me and believes in me no matter what . my family loves me , but sometimes they doubt I will ever be able to be on my own . but I still believe I will do it ; it will just take more time to find a job than others without limitations take .
recently I got up the guts to tell Taylor thats he's my hero -- so far that has been the defining moment of my life . it reassures me first that anything is possible and b, it inspires me to keep going even further in playing and writing music . I also love "Never Let go " because it lets me know Taylors love and others love is always there .
I wish the best for you and hope you find a calling/career that allows you to follow your passions and your dreams .
all the best Carrie

Holly said...

Thanks for the encouragement from both of you :)

Caitlin, that's an awesome quote! I've never heard it before, so thanks for sharing. I love The Walk too. It didn't hit me as hard as the others did, but it definitely had more of a meaning to me after I quit my job than it did before.

Carrie, it's great that Hanson has been able to inspire you to push the boundaries of what other people thought you were capable of. It sounds like you have the right kind of attitude it takes to do great things for yourself. Good luck to you too.

rachel said...

Blue sky has always been that song i connected to just for the lyrics

Everywhere I go, it feels like I'm always searching for something
'Til I know for sure, I'll be right here waiting for something
More, more, for something more, for something more

so true to the traveling fan in me. I wouldn't be traveling as much if i had anything figured out, but till i know what i'm going to be doing with this life i'm going to be following which is kind of funny every where i go i'm always waiting for something more, yet you always will know where to find me if i'm in your area, at the hanson show.

Martha said...

Guess whose site is Hansonish site of the week. It's you! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and fan experiences, they're a pleasure to read through.

You can check out my SOTW post here: http://www.hansonish.com/sotw/2011/04/if-you-give-a-fan-a-ticket/